Love.

I don’t want to do this anymoreee. I need substantial food. In. This. Belly.

Not as much as I wanted to lose. But it’s okay.

Lord it’s getting harder, but You’re sustaining me.

“Child of weakness, watch and pray. Find in me thine all in all.”

But I have resolved to change my attitude towards wrestling this year. Especially after watching “Facing the Giants”, I want to make the best out of this wrestling season.

Last year, I was so cranky during wrestling season. No food + grueling practices = Unhappy Dan. HAHA, I can’t help but laugh at how grouchy I was last year. I remember I would always use lunchtime to run in the gym, and I would walk to french class all bundled up and sweaty. And my friend Sam Lu would always wait for me and walk with me and always just try to make small talk with me, but I would pretty much brush him off with my face all >:| . That happened pretty much everyday LOL. A few of my brothers and sisters even told me that I was pretty scary to approach during wrestling season. Aigoo T_T. I don’t want that ever to be the case.

Ohhhh man, but that won’t be the case this year. I won’t let it be! I need to start seeing things differently. 

Rather than seeing cutting weight as a cruel starvation process, I can lift it up to God and be nourished with His Word. That although my stomach won’t be filled with physical food, I’ll be satisfied with His sweet words. “How sweet are Your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!” Psalm 119:103. … I could go for some sweet honey right now hahaha.

Rather than allowing the crude attitudes and jokes of the wrestlers to go on, (we wrestlers are the crudest of people, legit lol.) I want to really pray for God to use me to impact them. Maybe even one life. Especially as Coach Werntz keeps hinting his decision to make me Captain of the team, I want to use my leadership in a different way. The past captains have led us well, in the wrestling room. But that’s about it. As a captain, I want to create a new philosophy between the wrestlers. I want to let my fellow wrestlers know that although I may be the chosen “leader”, I want to serve each individual more than anything. That I don’t want this impersonal relationship. I want a very personal one, where we can get to know each other as not only wrestlers, but as individual human beings. We’ve got a whole bunch of freshmen this year, and I can’t help but smile as I see them taking their little shots and wrestling each other around. I’m pretty sure none of them are over 125 lbs LOL. But I want to help each and every one of them, not only in wrestling but as a brother. I want our team to be like a brotherhood. So, God-willing, He may use me to turn away the crass attitudes of the team, and bring us closer as a unit. 

Coach Terrell might even retire this year. He’s a pastor and assistant coach. He’s like my black wrestling father. HAHA. But he prays a little prayer for us in a huddle before every match. So when he’s gone next year, I really want us to keep that tradition. Even though nobody on the team is really serious about Christianity or religion, I want to huddle up and lift up a prayer with them before every match.

Instead of having this mindset of “just getting by this season”, God, mold my way of thinking so that I can really seize every opportunity to glorify YOU. Ahh, if Your love can be shown through even the rough sport of Wrestling, then what can’t it do?

“Tell me what’s impossible with God?”

“Nothing.”

Let’s go.

Arms trembling, can’t feel my neck, can’t feel my legs.

It’s begun..

God help me.. You carried me last year, please carry me this year. This body is Yours.

Aish..

God, I’m torn. Reign in me. Reign in us. Please..

Today was a good day. :]

Every thanksgiving, I get the opportunity to go to my cousin’s house in New York and spend time with a bunch of family there. It’s always a great time. There’s never really any fighting among us, thank God! 

As the adults were cooking the food and preparing everything, they urged us to go into the basement to watch this documentary on a korean missionary/priest who went and served at Sudan. So everyone’s huddled downstairs, and we’re watching this documentary. It’s all in korean, so we’re all having a hard time just trying to figure out what’s going on. But eventually, it all began to make sense; we could tell what was happening simply by what we saw. 

Father Lee had gone to Sudan because he felt God’s calling. He left absolutely everything to start a new life in Sudan by himself. Although he was primarily a doctor/priest, he served there in so many ways. He was musically talented, so he started a marching band program for the underprivileged and often gave the people of Tonj, Sudan performances with his guitar. He built a school and taught children math and music. He even reached out to and cared for the lepers. When was the last time you saw somebody with leprosy? It’s mentioned a great deal in the bible, but not so much today. This disease is horrifying. Many lepers literally do not have toes. Many others are missing limbs, many others have feet in the shape of cubes. He preached to them, sang songs with them and even danced with them. He was the ONLY doctor in all of Tonj, a village in South Sudan. He died at age 48, with cancer, but his legacy still remains STRONG in Tonj. The documentary is also focused on the after-effects he’s had on the people of Tonj. Children, adults and elder people are all interviewed after his death. Each interview seriously made me fight back tears. One child barely speaks a sentence before bursting out into tears and just.. weeping. Father Lee had paid for this child’s education all his life and had been a father figure to the child. One elder leper is interviewed and I couldn’t understand what she was saying, but I completely understood through her actions. She had been given a picture of Father Lee and, in tears, just kissed it repeatedly. 

There’s this one scene where the marching band kids Father Lee taught and raised were watching some clips of him. The clips were filled with good memories of him cracking jokes with them, rehearsing with them, etc. The marching band kids laughed merrily at these moments and some were even shedding tears of joy. The clips then began to show Father Lee’s funeral and his last days. The reactions of the kids were heart-wrenching. Some couldn’t bear to look at the screen, some had their heads buried in their hands, some were just bawling. God had used Father Lee to be such a huge part of the kids’ lives.

The documentary isn’t very long, I’d say around an hour or two. It felt so short. I thought everyone was as engrossed as I was, but they weren’t. One of my cousins even complained “Why are we watching this!? This is so SAD.” And they all just left one by one. By the end of the documentary it was literally just my soongmo and I watching, both fighting back tears LOL. After the documentary ended I just sat there for a few minutes, talking with God and thinking.

“I know I’m not a very grateful person Lord. You could take a look back into each day of my life and You could probably point out trillions and trillions of instances where I showed complete ungratefulness. But Father.. I needed this. Thank You. Let me be grateful for every day of my life, for every situation You place me in, and for just.. everything. And allow that gratefulness to permeate through my actions, my thoughts, and every part of my being. I want to live in absolute thankfulness Lord.”

We’ve become a society in which nobody wants to see sadness. So we close our eyes and poof, it’s not there anymore. But that’s the problem, it is still there. We can turn our heads away from the hurt in this world and we can play the “ignorance is bliss” card, but is it really bliss? Or is it just a temporary happy-bubble built up around us as a result of our own blatant ignorance? I personally feel like it’s the latter. Why? Because this is reality. There is hurt, there is sadness, and there is suffering. We’re just not sensitive to any of it because we are so. tremendously. privileged. 

Although I was a little disappointed in my cousins, I still thank God for, once again, reminding me not to take anything for granted. And to always use my blessings, resources, and privileges in an edifying and God-glorifying manner.

Thanksgiving this year was both physically and spiritually nourishing. God is good, always.

Just a random afterthought: A trend I’m noticing with many Christians in underprivileged countries is that they are so spiritually fervent. They have so much.. PASSION. The more I think about it, the more I feel like WE’RE the unfortunate ones. Thinking about The Heavenly Man, and how the Chinese literally clung onto God with all they had makes me think of how we have no sense of spiritual urgency, here in the U.S. They may be the physically deprived, but we’re the morally depraved. Treasures of all kinds await them in eternity, because they suffered for God in this life. I hope that’s case for many of us.

Great is the suffering of His people. But we thank Him nonetheless, for Great is the God we serve.

A happy thanksgiving to all. :]

The more I observe the society I live in and the people around me I can’t help but ask in anguish, what have we become?

Honestly. The peers I’ve grown up with since elementary school have grown to become such hateful, jaded people. People try to figure this world out through rashly intellectual means and as a result, leave no consideration for the super-natural. Christianity has become so skewed, it breaks my heart whenever I see people associating God with hate. Where are the fighting, struggling, genuine disciples of Christ? Where are they? Because I look at my school and I look at Marlboro and I look at all my friends and I can’t help but cry. What have we become!?

We’ve thrown all notion of virtue out the window for what? Intellectualism? Hate has suddenly become OKAY, as long as there’s an intellectual reason behind it? Is pride what we chase now? Nowadays, we need to be superior. We need to win the argument, we need to win the debate. What happened to losing the argument but winning the heart? We’ve got it so twisted. Now that it’s all about winning the argument, who cares if the soul is lost? Who cares if we downsize a fellow human being for the sake of our own exaltation? Being smart has become a means for us to boast in our own ability. Why are we exchanging love for intellect?

I’m all about thinking. I’m all about intellect. God gave us brains for a reason. But we’ve taken it way too far when we try to think in God’s place. The world fawns over philosophers like Nietzsche and Marx, but it blatantly rejects the freely given gift of GRACE and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE from God. Sophisticated rhetoric and logical reasoning have overtaken any sense of reverence for our Father. It’s all about what sounds nice to US, makes sense to US, what fits perfectly into OUR limited perspective of life.

His thoughts are not our thoughts. His ways are not our ways. As long as HEAVEN is higher than EARTH, His ways and thoughts are higher than ours. (Isaiah 55:8)

Aside from the intellectualism and pride, where have the good men and women gone? I can’t help but see every man and woman becoming more and more.. similar. Why is it that men have no decency to suppress their lustful desires? Instead, we have no shame in expressing it all freely, disrespecting and objectifying women in the process. What makes me hurt is that this ridiculous behavior has become the norm. I see this on a daily basis. Some guys even building up the audacity to disrespect my own sisters. Right in front of my eyes? God help me, I clench my fists so tightly. The men take this stance and as a result, women begrudgingly lower their standards. Women become more and more promiscuous, because the men aren’t stepping up to be freaking men. Love isn’t love anymore. It’s become a game of attention, lust, and temporary passion. 

What have we become?

God, have mercy on us.

I’ve been far away from my love for too long.

HERE I COME CHIPOTLE, THANKS FOR WAITING FOR ME T_____T

Edit: Just finished. Not stepping on the scale for a good 3 days.

Wherever you go Lord.. Wherever you are moving, I will be there. Let me not be the average 16 year old christian boy, let me be radical in moving Your kingdom Father..

Dying to myself everyday, taking up my cross, denying my flesh… Lord all because You did it for me first. I suffer in joy.

Today I got assigned like.. two more books in English HAHA. Not too sure if she’s just being demanding or.. this is normal? or.. I don’t know. HOWEVER, I’m actually kinda excited to read these books. All about the outlook! Literature is beautiful.

Game plan for November - December:

- The Imitation of Christ - Thomas Kempis.

- Experiencing the Depths of Christ - Jeanne Guyon.

- Henry IV - Shakespeare.

- A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens.

- reread New Testament

- (if time permits) reread Mere Christianity - C.S. Lewis.

Lord, give me the urgency and responsibility to use my time carefully and wisely.

Lead me to achievement in these goals, ultimately so that I can be used for YOUR glory.

EXCITED. ! :]

writing this essay, I can’t help but feel.. at peace. For the first time, I feel happy writing an essay LOL. I’m such a dork. Who likes writing essays? Apparently I do.

Talking to some brothers about the future. Rutgers? U-Mich? Who knows? I think I have my heart geared towards literature though. I think I’ve come to realize that God has given me a knack for writing. Perhaps? Maybe it’s all in my head. REGARDLESS, I’m beginning to feel this growing affinity towards literature.

Hehe. Now’s not the time to expand upon this idea though. Maybe tomorrow night! Time to complete this essay, read it in its entirety, kiss it, and sleep.

Elohim, You are always good to meeee!

Hebrew is nice. I want to look into that.

AIGHT, time to ace this essay.

As I focus solely on humility this week, I’m seeing so much more.

I’m seeing so much hurt in so many people that I normally wouldn’t see. I’m seeing so many practical ways to serve others. I’m seeing so many opportunities to put others before myself in my actions, words, and thoughts.

Soli Gratia, indeed.

Momentary lapse of reason. Seems to happen way too often..

I thank God for clearing up my eyes again, for showing me my wrongs, for showing me how depraved I really am.. But I thank God all the more for showing me how infinitely glorious HE is and how perfect and loving HE is. 

A realignment of priorities needs to happen.

Lord, forgive me.. I’ve traded Your peace for the temporary satisfaction this world offers.. I’ve neglected Your grace and substituted it with my own idols.. I’ve forgotten the enormity of Your truth and I’ve downsized it.. as if it weren’t the greatest act of love this world has seen.

Father.. I feel this passion deep inside my heart. You know, at the core of my being.. all I want to do is worship You. As I sit here in silent worship.. Lord listen to my heart.. I want to yearn for You. The days are so evil. Everyday I see more and more people intentionally going against who You are. Everyday I see more and more people trying to be You.

“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” Eph. 5:15-16.

Father, be my everything. I don’t want that to be a generalized statement that just sounds flowery and nice.. but Father, I mean it. I want you to be in my thoughts, in my actions, in my words, in my laughing, in my weeping, in my dreaming, in my struggling, in every second of my life. Let not a second pass, where I forget how glorious You are Lord. I know it will be impossible, due to my human nature.. but Father I’m praying as BIG as I can because I know that You are a BIG God with a BIG PLAN!

Father, for once.. I see a vision not about myself or my well-being. But I see a vision of a generation rising up. A generation of Moses, Josephs, Jobs, Daniels, Peters, Pauls, Joshuas, Ruths, Esthers, Rahabs RISING UP. A multitude of men and women seeking to fulfill YOUR will. I see everyone standing on the battlefield, falling, crumbling, consumed. Some fell because they didn’t have the right Armor, some fell because they refused to use their Swords, some fell simply because they didn’t want to FIGHT. But LORD.. I see a few people still standing. And I know YOU see it too. I see You beckoning them, I see You encouraging them, giving them manna, giving them their daily bread, providing for them exactly what they need. I see so much HOPE. I see the warriors of God standing up for Your truth, taking this promise with them from Earth all the way back to YOU in Heaven.

Have we forgotten our priorities, my brothers and sisters? Have we forgotten our purpose? Have we forgotten His promises?

“I’m not afraid… Show me Your Glory…”

Lord, lead me.